Preface: Lifting the Weight of the World

It’s a Friday afternoon, I'm listening to a youtube playlist accurately named relaxing weekend beats, an indie cover artist pours his heart out to me as I sit with my signature mug of matcha tea in hand. I hear the first song out, and decide it’s time. Time I put it all out there, time to be honest, and tell it all as it is, as it was, and how I see it going forward.

My story is nothing incredible, or special, or superhuman, nor is it filled with the immense sorrow and suffering that so many in our world struggle with daily. It’s not a pity story, it's a recount and a thank you letter, one I feel is worth sharing. It is a raw, and very real experience. It’s a story of a life lived behind a mask, one of courage, one of human compassion and one displaying the power of self-love and honesty.

I have for the past 2 and a half to 3 years, struggled with perfection and its translation to excellence in the sporting arena. I have struggled with where the blurry line of persistence and paranoia meet and this has ultimately manifested its self in a struggle with food. As an avid 'bun-head' all my life I was surrounded by eating disorders and the stereotype of thin being 'healthy' within the ballet world, however, it was not until I really decided to pursue distance running that I developed a health obsession that would go one step too far.

I was compelled and drawn to running for the exact reason I still love it today - unlike ballet or more technical sports it offered an exciting flip side to success. If (and for many people this is too big of an if...) but IF you were willing to commit your absolute being to the sport, to throw your head, heart, and soul into the sport, and not give up no matter what, then you could be the best. No fancy techniques were required just pure grit and guts, and that's what sold me.

I was ALL IN.

I think every distance runner has this mentality if you find one that doesn't then they are probably in the wrong sport. But at times when this "all in" mentality fails to produce the results, we think we should be getting things can start to get a little dicey and that's where persistence can translate to; 'passive aggressive dieting,' 'post-run runs,' 'perplexing numbers of hill reps,' and paranoia over what perfection really is.

For some time I have been 50/50 about fully disclosing these struggles, close family, friends, and sports professionals know to a degree my story and what is going on, but I still felt the weight of that stigma surrounding "not being ok." After all, how could the girl who seemingly had it all NOT have it all together?

While writing a Wall Street Journal style article for my news reporting class this Spring I decided to focus on the prevalence of eating disorders within collegiate and professional level sports and the numbers I saw really broke my heart. 13.5 percent of athletes have subclinical to clinical eating disorders, while 42% of female athletes competing in aesthetic or gravity oriented sports such as distance running demonstrated eating disordered behaviors. In telling others stories, helping to bring clarity and meaning to their struggles, I was gifted my own personal sense of purpose. I could now see sadly I was far from alone in experiencing these perfection controlled thoughts and I was compelled to shine a light on my own truths. I want to act as a resource to young woman worldwide, to empower and to let them know happy humans are the healthiest, the fastest, and the most attractive. Happy people with a purpose beyond themselves find value in intrinsic qualities that do not rely on the world's approval, and in turn, they perpetuate a true acceptance and compassion to all those whose lives they touch. This blog is dedicated to hope and happiness, to MY hope and happiness, and to the perpetuation of hope and true happiness for ALL. It isn’t meant to be just another story, this is a continuation of a movement. It is a platform to continue much-needed discourse surrounding perceived perfection and its link to actual success. It is here to essentially redefine what it means to be an empowered woman of both strength and beauty in the 21st century.

And, it serves as a love letter to all the young girls to come, YOU are worthy.

“To all of the little girls ... never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams.”

- Hillary Clinton

References:

1. The Renfrew Center Foundation for Eating Disorders, Eating Disorders 101 Guide: A Summary of Issues, Statistics and Resources, 2003.

2. Sundgot-Borgen J, Torstveit MK. (2004). Prevalence of eating disorders in elite athletes is higher than in the general population. Clin J Sport Med., Jan;14(1):25-32.